Monday, April 19, 2010

Finding Mr. Right

Hi girls,

Leí esto en el MSN esta mañana y pensé que tenía unas cuántas cositas buenas que todas sabemos, pero se nos olvidan a la hora de buscar a Mr. Right. Yo me identifiqué con la # 1. Siempre me gustaron los hombres de 6 pies y ya ven, me hace feliz uno de 5'9, creo esa es la altura! Que hay para el sabado por la noche?

Signs, girl A

Five Traits in a Mate That Are Not Deal Breakers
Have you decided that you will only marry a man of a certain height, profession or hairstyle? The author of a provocative new book reveals why you're wrong about Mr. Right.
By Lori Gottlieb

A couple of years ago, I wrote a magazine article called "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough." In it, I confessed that, having found myself still single at 40, I'd come to an eye-opening realization: Had I known when I was younger what would make me happy in a fulfilling marriage, I would have made very different choices in my dating life. It was a hyperbolic essay with a serious message: Look for the important qualities in a partner, and let go of the stuff that won't matter five, ten or 20 years down the line.

I've never believed that we should stop looking for Mr. Right (we shouldn't!) — but I do think that by changing our rigid idea of who Mr. Right is, we're more likely to find the right Mr. Right. You can't just order up the perfect husband á la carte — I'll take a little of this, a little of that, less of this and more of that. A guy is a package deal, as are we. Recognizing that isn't settling. It's maturity. The key is to focus on the qualities that lead to long-term romantic happiness.

In my new book, I asked experts, including marital researchers, sociologists, neurobiologists, couple therapists, behavioral economists, matchmakers, clergy and even our mothers (God help us!) how to tell the difference between smart compromises (which lead to happiness) and settling (which doesn't). The answer is complex — and different for everyone. But here are five basic things I learned I should cut a guy some slack on before I assume he's not The One:

1. His height
Let me say upfront that I'm 5'2". With one-inch heels. And yet I always preferred to date guys who were taller than 5'9" (and so I could kiss them while barefoot, shorter than 6'0"). But one expert explained how limiting this was: "Let's say there's a 50 percent chance you could be with a guy who's 5'9". That's a height you like, but it could go either way depending on what else he brings to the table. There's probably a five percent chance you could be with somebody who's 5'4" — but there's a chance. Maybe if you spent an hour with Danny DeVito or Robert Reich, all of a sudden you would say, 'You know what? This is somebody I could actually spend my life with' — even though the height is never going to be ideal. On the other hand, take somebody who's unkind. There's a 100 percent chance you won't want to be with him. So I'm saying, what are the real irreducibles as opposed to the unlikelies?"

2. His online dating profile
A Northwestern researcher who studies online dating (yes, there are scientists who make a living doing this) told me that I shouldn't get too specific about my search parameters in online dating because in his research, he found that "there was a lack of correlation between what people said they wanted on a questionnaire, and what they actually pick when they meet a real, live person." Moreover, he added, don't rule out a guy because you think you know what it means that he misspelled a word or likes Madonna. You have no idea who this person is until you meet him. An online profile, he said, "is like reading the ingredients on a box of food and trying to imagine what it would taste like."

3. His occupation
Yes, alpha males are sexy and charming. But they aren't always the best partners for me, especially if they travel for work all the time, need to be the center of attention and don't have the same ideas about how to run a household that I do. As a dating coach explained to me, many women are attracted to super-ambitious and charismatic guys who are leaders — but it's hard to find a person who has that kind of personality and also makes time for you and is able to put you first when it counts. Now Joe, the cute elementary school teacher, on the other hand ... you get my point.

4. His age
The thing about being picky is you have to know what to be picky about. Apparently, I wasn't picky enough on the things that matter (shared values, reliability, "getting each other") and was too picky on the things that don't (his age). While I wouldn't want anyone to mistake my husband for my father, it's foolish to decline a set-up with a guy just because he's got less hair and more wrinkles than I do. This might sound beyond obvious, but many women end up dating guys with a chemistry of "9" and a compatibility of "5." The happiest couples, though, have both a chemistry and compatibility of "7." Would I be more naturally attracted to a guy who's my age? Yep. Would it matter that much in the scheme of things if he was 12 years older but still handsome? Probably not. Am I going to be more wrinkled one day and thrilled to be with a man who finds me attractive anyway? You bet.

5. How he compares to "my type"
One expert told me that when she first met her husband, she had no interest in him at all. He wasn't her type. He didn't fit her image of the kind of guy she imagined herself with. She was Ivy League-educated, and he was a potter. At first there were no sparks. Nada. But the more time she spent with him, the more she liked him. And then the sparks flew. They've been married for 20 years. "In America," she explained, "when a potter makes a pot, they put a glaze on it and put it in the kiln and know exactly what it's supposed to look like when it comes out. But when the Japanese make a pot, they put it in a wood-fire kiln that could be any temperature, and when they take the pot out, it's not always exactly like they thought it was supposed to look like. And they say, 'Oh, wow, this is what the fire did to the pot and it's gorgeous!' They believe there's no beauty in perfection. So instead of knowing what the person sitting across from you is supposed to be like, the question you have to ask is, 'Do I like it?' instead of 'How does it compare to what I thought I wanted?' People can surprise you."

Indeed. I ended up falling hard for a 5'6", balding, bow-tie-wearing guy I almost didn't e-mail on He wasn't who I had in mind, but he was who I wanted to be with. And that, of course, is the thing that matters most.


What follows are the emails girl A received after sending this article to her friends:

That's a cute article and pretty realistic. God knows that i've had them in all shapes, sizes height and intelect. At the end of the day...I want to love, be loved and be appreciated. Is that too hard to find?

Happily Single,

Girl B

Girl B, your comment reminds me of one of my favorite lines in Moulin Rouge: "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return". The problem is that not everyone has the same definition of what it takes to love and be loved. So on the question of "is that too hard to find?", I'd say that it is definitely hard to find someone who loves us the way WE want to be loved. I think this is so in particular because of our expectations. For example, sometimes when I don't feel loved and appreciated the way I wanted to feel, I sit back and think about whether my expectations were fair. And often enough, I realize that I can't apply my own standards to others. If I did that, only I could love myself the way that I wanted to be loved. LOL
Signs Girl C

Girl B, que quieres decir con "i've had them in all shapes, sizes height and intelect"...... Me preocupa. Mi papa una vez me dijo que la parejas vienen a llenar la necesidad que uno tenga en ese momento. Si con el que acabas de terminar jamas te dio flores, es posible que busques en el proximo que sea detallista como
requisito. En ese proceso uno tambien se puede equivocar y confundir las necesidades basicas que si son indispensables.
Signs Girl D

Me parece que lo complicado de todo esto es que la de definicion de lo que es la felicidad o cual es la pareja ideal, radica en que todos tenemos nuestra idea de lo que es. Estoy de acuerdo de que muchas veces tenemos que valorar si estamos pidiendo demasiado de nuestras parejas, pues es facil pedir (en general) a otros mas de lo que pueden dar como personas. Pero si que creo que por muy dificil que sea encontrar a alguien que lo quiera a uno como uno, se debe encontrar. Y no estoy de acuerdo que se deban bajar los standars y expectativas de querer que nos traten como nosotros tratariamos a nuestra pareja. mmmm Esto parece un trabalenguas, estoy haciendo uso de unas conjucaciones que hacia rato no escribia! jajajajaja. De igual manera, creo que todo es cuestion de subjetividad y opiniones.

Y girl D, no se si estoy muy de acuerdo con la opinion de tu papa de que las parejas vienen a llenar la necesidad del momento. Creo que si, que las diferentes etapas y situaciones de la vida van creando ciertas necesidades en nuestras vidas, que necesitamos llenar, pero a la vez, creo que todas tenemos algunas necesidades constantes: la necesiadad que nos quieran, que nos aprecien, etc. Pero si, creo que es un factor que en la proxima pareja tratemos de buscar lo que nos faltaba en la primera. Pero igual,se encuentran infinidad de personas que siguen liandose y buscando al mismo tipo de personas y parejas por el resto de su vida. Arrastrando asi con los mismos problemas y cosas que vivieron son su primera pareja!
Signs Girl A

Me encanta!!! Girl A, con un simple articulo has creado un BLOG de opiniones!! jajaja
Pobrecita de las que lean estos email de ultimas.Girl D, let me clarify...jejejeje!! mi comentario fue basado en lo que dice el articulo como hay quien desea un hombre alto, otras inteligentes, y otras que lo prefieren con cierta edad. En resumen, a veces nos vemos envueltos o en relaciones que no tienen ningunos de nuestros requisitos y somos felices. En mi caso personal, ya no busco esos requisitos porque ya he tenido el alto, el inteligente, el jovencito y el gordito. Que me falta???? El que me quiera, que se deje querer y me aprecie! Estoy de acuerdo con el consejo de tu papa.
Signs Girl B

I am the last one reading the article and the comments...jejejeje. Girl A: I really liked the article. Creo que todo lo que dice es muy cierto. Y a pesar de que a veces nos cueste darnos cuenta de que somos tan plásticas como se describe en el articulo, muchas veces los somos. AL menos yo puedo decir que lo soy. Es verdad que muchas veces no le damos la oportunidad a los muchachos por su apariencia física, por lo que estudio, e inclusive sacamos conclusiones de los programas de televisión que ven, películas, las fotos que ponen en facebook o como se visten. Pero el punto es....Si Girl B tienes razon, es muy difícil encontrar lo que queremos especialmente por lo que comento Girl C para todo el mundo el amor es diferente" Y lo que a ti te hace feliz, no necesariamente hace feliz a otra persona. So, let's keep hanging in there until we find OUR Mr. PERFECT.

Any ways, Pobrecita a Girl F cuando lea todo este reguero de opiniones.

Another happily single, signs Girl E

Hi girls, I read the article and I realized I didn't appreciate many of my ex's good things. Hope I more appreciative in the next relationship. Hope I've learned. God, I was the last one to read all those messages. I agree with all of them. Don't know what else to say? Oh, I remember that part from the article that she talks how she didn't like her husband at hte beginning. That has happened to me. Staying open is the key. By the way I watched The hurt locker. It was good! I liked it. I still think Avatar deserved the Oscar.
Lots of loveeee, signs Girl F

CONCLUSION: You have read an article named "Finding Mr. Right" and the e-mails' exchange among a group of girlfriends expressing their reactions and opinions on the subject. Feel free to leave your own comments!!! Until everybody finds her/his Mr. and Mrs. Right the topic will be alive. Hope we all get our match!


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